


Like a melody, it won't leave my head

by likegoldfish



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Depression, Freeform, Gen, Self Harm, Some characters aren't named, Suicide Attempt, just described
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-20
Updated: 2013-09-20
Packaged: 2017-12-27 03:35:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/973833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likegoldfish/pseuds/likegoldfish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not like Stiles means to do this, but sometimes it's so hard to fight your demons</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like a melody, it won't leave my head

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Lana Del Rey's Dark Paradise. This work contains a suicide attempt, along with mentions of things such as depression and eating disorders. The format was semi-inspired by wintergirl by Laurie Halse Anderson, though I added my own twist to that.

Shaking fingers open the door of a worn out jeep. It’s raining. ~~It’s been raining all goddamn week.~~ Shaking fingers try to start to engine, make it purr, make it seem like you get to outrun the demons with it.

Shaking fingers clutch the steering wheel, trying to stay calm. **_You always need to stay calm_**. Stiles repeats it inside his head but his fingers don’t stop shaking.

**~~Stay calm/be a hero/stay calm/be a hero/stay calm~~ **

Shaking fingers manage to start the jeep. At last it goes. Stiles can’t stop shaking.

**~~Keep it purring/go home/break the speed limits/keep it purring~~ **

Stiles knows that if he runs into his father he will be screwed on so many levels. If only he would fucking stop shaking.

Shaking fingers open doors. Home at last. Shaking fingers close doors too. Shaking legs walk upstairs. Stiles doesn’t know how he managed. He slides down against his bedroom door, trying to gain control but the darkness won’t let him.

 ** ~~Go away/go away/go away~~** / ** ~~go away/go away/go away/go away/go away/go away~~**

Shaking fingertips scratch barely healed wounds back open. _~~Make me bleed. Make me bleed.~~_ Self-hatred takes over it always does. It’s like cancer and it’s feasting on its host. Thoughts echo through the brain of a boy. Guilt eating away at him. _~~Didn’t they tell you were a failure?~~_

**~~Cut/Cut/Cut/Cut/Cut/Cut/Cut~~ **

Shaking fingers type out a misspelled help me. A last cry out. Shaking fingertips hit send. Shaking fingers throw away the phone. _~~Don’t let them call me, please.~~_ The last bit of light hopes it got to the right person.

Maybe Stiles didn’t want to die, but it was getting so damn hard dealing with this ever present darkness. _~~I wish I **could** blame Jennifer. ~~_  Stiles could feel himself panicking. He tried to gain control. _~~STOP SHAKING!~~_

Shaking fingers held a blood-stained razorblade. _~~Just an accident while shaving, he had told them.~~_ Shaking fingers clutched the blade tightly as they made cuts in a neat row. Some spots bloodier than others. Stiles tried really hard to gain control, he tried to breathe but there just wasn’t enough air.

**~~Cut/Make me bleed/Cut/Make me bleed/Cut/Deeper Cuts/Cut/Deeper Cuts/Cut/Cut/Cut~~ **

Shaking fingers cut deeper and deeper. Fresh cuts over scars, desperate for a place to draw blood from. _~~No one came. No one came to help. No one cared~~_. This was Stiles giving up. Stiles saying fuck it all. _~~I can’t go one like this, not anymore.~~_

**~~Stupid/Idiot/Stupid/Idiot/Stupid~~ **

Shaking fingers pushing against the deepest wounds. Fighting and dying at the same time. _~~I am a paradox.~~_

**~~Failure/Failure/Failure/You are such a fucking failure~~ **

Shaking fingers falling down. Eyes shutting at last. A boy losing hope. _~~Like mother, like son~~_

_There’s a woman in the garden and she looks just like me. There’s a woman in the garden, she acts a lot like me. The woman laughs, until she cries. The woman smiles at me, saying I am a little bit like paradise._

_There’s a woman in the garden and she looks just like me. There’s a woman in the garden and she is screaming at my father. She looks a lot like me._

_There’s a woman in the kitchen clutching a knife. There’s a woman in the kitchen throwing away our food. She’s screaming things like **unhealthy and not good enough**. This woman in the kitchen, she looks a lot like me. _

_There’s a woman in my bedroom telling me I can’t leave. I planned to go to school but this woman needed me. There’s a woman in my bedroom and she looks a lot like me._

_There’s a woman in the bathroom. I just came home from school. There’s a woman in the bathroom slowly dying, lying in her blood._

_There’s a woman in the hospital. Doctors are saying they can’t save her. My father isn’t there and there’s this woman is in the hospital, saying she loves me and why did I go to school? ~~Why did I go to school?~~_

_There’s a woman in the hospital and she looks a lot like me. There’s this woman in the hospital withering away._

_There’s a woman in a chest and she looks a lot like me._

Wolves howl. Alphas and betas alike. They cry as if the moon is full. They run and try to catch the scent of a teenage boy. ~~We should have noticed.~~

The Banshee screams and screams and screams. Throat running dry, no one knowing why she’s screaming. So full of fear. So full of fear.

**Hlpe em/Hlpe em** **/** **Hlpe em/Hlpe em**

The huntress pushes everyone aside. ~~Clinically and unemotionally.~~ She knows what she might find. She reminds herself of what her mother used to say. ~~Clinically and unemotionally.~~ The huntress kicks against the door when it won’t open. ~~Clinically and unemotionally.~~ She grabs a shirt to put pressure on the boy’s veins. ~~Clinically and unemotionally.~~ She cannot let herself cry right now. She’s not some girly girl goddammit. ~~Clinically and unemotionally.~~

~~SIRENS/THEY ARE SO FUCKING LOUD/~~ ~~CLINICALLY AND UNEMOTIONALLY~~

The banshee can’t stop screaming. His heart is still beating, the wolves can hear. The Banshee can’t stop screaming, maybe out of fear.

**Hlpe em/Hlpe em/Hlpe em/Hlpe em**

There’s a nurse in the hospital and a boy inside a bed. His fingers are no longer shaking but he’s almost dead. There are people crying in the waiting room hoping that he’ll wake. His father is so worried, knowing he already made the same mistake.

Those that fled came running back. Because this is Stiles, and he sort of was their friend.

People are confused, but most of all his best friend is. Had the boy not told him that they were brothers. That he would have to take him with him? He had because they best friend remembers it clearly.

**~~You’re my brother Stiles/I need you/You’re my best friend~~ **

_There’s a woman in the garden and she looks a lot like me. It always starts in the garden. It is always the same woman._

_There’s a woman in the garden and she’s chasing after me. My father is watching us and he’s happy that we are happy._

_Flash-forward. There’s woman in a chest and she looks a lot like me. There’s a father with a bottle and sometimes he yells at me._

_There’s a father with a bottle and he blames me. Why did you go to school? Why did you go to school? **That woman needed you.** _

_There’s a boy at school and he panics. He panics ~~and panics and panics.~~ _

_There’s a boy at school and he’s tired of being the joke. So he becomes to clown, scaring people and making them laugh. He used to be afraid of clowns, but it was something the woman had always loved._

FLATLINES. DRAMATIC MEASURES. PAINFUL SIGHTS. HOPELESSNESS. FLATLINES.

There’s a banshee by the boy’s side. She doesn’t scream. She cannot scream, her voice won’t do it. It refuses to utter a sound. The banshee watches the boy and she holds his hand.

**Hlpe em/Hlpe em** **/** **Hlpe em/Hlpe em/Hlpe em/Hlpe em** **/** **Hlpe em/Hlpe em/Hlpe em**

_There’s a woman in the garden. Same old story, same old woman. She looks a lot like me. The woman is laughing and smiling. She gives me one underdog. **Now you can swing by yourself.**_

_There’s a little boy in the garden, way past his bedtime. His mommy went away, and his father is busy. It doesn’t matter, he can swing by himself now._

_There’s a woman in the psych ward. She looks a lot like me. The little boy is watching her. He asks her if she’s hurt. The woman has a lot of scars on her arm, like I said, she looks a lot like me._

**Hlpe em/Hlpe em/Hlpe em/Hlpe em/Hlpe em/Hlpe em/Hlpe em/Hlpe em/Hlpe em**

The boy lies still on the hospital. ~~This isn’t like him.~~ There’s a banshee by his side. She still can’t scream. There’s a sheriff looking from afar. ~~Like mother, like son.~~

 _There’s a woman in the garden, here we go again. She looks a lot like me, but she doesn’t eat._ **Can I have some sweets mommy? _It’ll make you fat._**

_There’s a woman in the garden, she looks a lot like me. She crying, saying I can’t leave. Saying she’ll call school but she never does._

_There’s a woman in the kitchen, screaming as she holds a knife. I think she’s kind of scary but she looks a lot like me._

There’s a boy in a hospital. He’s this week’s sensation. A boy tried to kill himself, how outrageous. There’s a father watching from afar, thinking, **how did it get this far?**

FLATLINES. FLATLINES. DOCTORS RUSHING IN. FLATLINES. **THE BOY BREATHES AGAIN.**

The huntress steps inside. ~~Clinically and unemotionally.~~ She asks the other girl to leave and takes her place. She holds his hand, so tightlytightlytightly. ~~Clinically and unemotionally, is she even kidding anyone?~~

_There’s a boy at a party, he’s a little older now. He’s seeing things, seeing so many things. Was there something in his drink? There’s a boy at a party, and he screwed up. His father’s screaming. **You killed your mother and now you’re killing me.**_ **~~IT’S ALL INSIDE YOUR HEAD.~~ **

A huntress and a wolf together in a room. They don’t really like each other, they have their reasons too. ~~Does it really even matter? **Not right now.** I won’t forgive you.~~  The huntress knows.

_There’s a woman in the garden, she’s always there. I see her on the swing set, she doesn’t need underdogs too. There’s a little boy beside her. **Mommy do you want to play? Later baby, mommy’s busy, can’t you see? Go inside. **The woman is bleeding, **(Don’t worry mommy, daddy told me what to do. )** she looks a lot like me. _

There’s a father watching. He’s moved a little closer now. ~~WHERE THE HELL IS MY SON?~~

_There’s a boy in a jeep, they used to call him little red. He wears blue now. What ever happened to fairy tales?_

There’s a boy waking up. ~~Lydia got a haircut, I would know.~~ There are a lot of happy tears, but not from the boy because now they know. **_You must never let it show baby, now go, mommy’s busy._**

There’s a banshee in his bedroom. ~~She had a haircut, I would know.~~ She talks of love ~~but didn’t she just want a distraction. If she does I’ll be gone real soon.~~

**I’m not crazy/I’m not crazy/I’m not crazy/I’m not crazy/I’m not crazy**

Therapists that talk a lot. They ask a lot of questions, like when did it all start? _There’s a woman in the garden, she looks a lot like me._ BABY STEPS. Tiny baby steps. They say. 


End file.
